Confession: Too Many People Talk, like, Dumb

After an inexcusably long hiatus, and the creation of my unbelievably noteworthy second blog, I have decided to bring you more Confessions. My most recent post (launched in May, so really not that recent) has received two new comments within the past two weeks (thanks Jason and A Beer for the Shower), encouraging me to unleash more sarcastic commentary about the little things in life that really have no place in mine. I did, of course, have to slightly alter the name of this blog because I've recently become an ex-college student. This small change does not, however, make me immune to disgruntling situations, and gives me no valid reason to cease posts. Now, on to the confession...

I enjoy listening to people, for the most part, and would like to think I'm good at it. Unfortunately, I can't easily demonstrate my remarkable listening skills to you at this time, so you'll just have to take my word for it because you won't be able to prove otherwise unless you know me. If you do know me and want to prove otherwise, I think it's time we have a talk. I'll listen. I promise.

There are a few elements of people's speech that make it incredibly difficult for me to listen attentively. One of these elements is accents, but I'll let that one go because people should never be judge based on uncontrollable characteristics. If you have a deep accent, don't fret. I may have to say, "what?" or "huh?" a couple times, but I'll get the gist of what you're saying and gladly continue listening. Oh, and for the record, not everybody can have an accent. There has to be some type of accent control group to which all other accents are compared. I claim my place of origin to be that control group, thus I do not speak with any type of accent (in my mind anyway). If you want to use your place of origin as the accent control group, and tell yourself you don't have an accent then, by all means, go for it.

The controllable part of human speech that does impair my ability to listen with all ears is the overuse of filler words because, oh my god, like, so many people use, like, um, so many, like, all the time! Articulate your thoughts in a clear and flowing manner people! Consider the following conversation polluted with more filler words than ever necessary, and the random and irrelevant thoughts that ensue.

Boy: "Hey. How are you?"


Girl: "Oh, hi. Um, well, I'm like, you know..."

No, I don't know! If I knew I wouldn't have asked you in the first place. I suppose I can take a few guesses though since you're grossly overestimating my telekinetic powers...

Did you recently move into an upside down house, but can't figure out how the hell to accessorize the interior?

No? Then are you going to violently transform into a miniature frog forced to spend summer evenings crawling up and down the wall of my house if I don't kiss you before midnight?

I'm no prince, and I'm pretty sure that's not how the fairy tale goes, but I guess I could give it a shot...

Girl: "...I'm fine. Um, I've been busy like working and stuff."

Like working? What have you been doing that's like working? Is this guy pointing or like pointing?

It really looks like he's pointing, but, since nobody knows what the hell he's pointing at, is he like pointing? Are you really working, but, since you have no idea what you're doing at your job, you tell people you're like working? Are you still talking, or is it my turn to respond?

Boy: "Yeah, working sucks. Have you been enjoying your time outside of work, at least?"


Girl: "Um, yeah, like the other day my girlfriends and I went out and, like, oh my god, like it was super fun."


Boy: (mentally checking out, as if he hasn't already) "Nice. What did you all do?"


Girl: "Um, we do, like, lots of stuff, but, like, I have to go. We should, um, hang out soon and, like, catch up again, you know?"

 Oh, dear...

I'd love to if I didn't just learn that you have the torturous tongue of a 16-year-old valley girl. Are my ears bleeding?

Boy: "Yeah, sure. I'll call you."

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that no phone call is going to result from this conversation. Each meaningless and indiscriminate thought has taken his mind so far from reality, that he has no clue how he just ended his teeny-bopper talk. Does this state of oblivion give him the right to lie? No, but it happens, unfortunately.

Of course, this works the other way too. Guys, it's hard enough to keep girls interested without digging yourself into a deep, deep hole...

...because she can't stand to hear anymore likes and ums and stuff. Unless you have the sex appeal of a Greek god, or the magical force of a Jedi knight, you'd be doing yourself a great service if you speak coherently and thoughtfully in her presence. Always.

I'm from the West Coast, so I'll admit that I use a few more "likes" in my casual speech than I'd like. A few here and there don't bother me, but we should all work very hard to prevent filler words from becoming dominant words, and overtaking our dialects like flies overtaking the scrumptious food of our ending-too-soon-summer gatherings. We'd all be better off with fewer of each (and longer summers, too).

Confession: Grocery Store Aisles are to Roads as...

Feel free to finish this analogy however your creative mind desires, but the point is simple driving principles go a long way in the grocery store when oodles of hungry people are scouring the aisles for any and all ways to satisfy their cravings. The following is a highlight of the most important principles that should always be honored while shopping. Enjoy.

Do you drive on the left side of the road? Unless it’s a one way street or you have a death wish, I’m going to hope the answer is no. Since grocery aisles allow traffic in both directions and chances are you’re not there to commit suicide, you shouldn’t consistently travel down the left side of the aisle either. Doing so increases the chances of shopping cart traffic jams by disrupting the flow of oncoming shoppers while enhancing the potential for aisle anger (the grocery store equivalent to road rage). And let me tell you, aisle anger is dangerous. Road rage usually just results in an extended appendage and a couple of horn honks, but the most serious aisle anger could easily result in cart ramming, egg chucking and fish slaps (in which an angry shopper retaliates by slapping you in the face with the broad side of a fresh whole fish). Below is a supermarket jam with a high potential for angry shoppers.

The second principle is simple: Avoid distractions. Texting while driving is illegal because it distracts you from the road. Kissing while shopping should be frowned upon because it distracts you from your grocery list.

Consider the two love birds pictured above. Not only are their carts now blocking the aisle for other shoppers, but they are uncovering memories of the love lives of all those around them. Some may become distracted from the overwhelming warmth and joy of such memories while others become utterly depressed and lose all motivation to buy food. Either way, love is bad for the grocery store ecosystem so buy your soup and keep it in your pants until you can get a room!

And finally, some words of wisdom to help you further respect all shoppers…

Horseback riding is for the great outdoors, not for reaching grocery items on the top shelf that you can’t otherwise get to.

Imagine the clean-up on aisle 5 should the stallion so choose to unload.

We’ve all seen people pull off the highway to relieve their bladders, but this…

...is just gross!

Following these basic grocery aisle principles will help all shoppers experience a smoother trip as they trek to fill their pantries and satisfy their stomachs!

Confession: The Unwritten Code of Parking Lot Ethics Should be Followed by All

There's nothing more frustrating than running errands in the middle of the day and spending more time searching for a parking space than actually searching for whatever it is you may need inside your destination. Obviously, if all spots are taken and you don't possess the superhuman strength to simply lift a small compact car, chuck it into oblivion and fill the newly vacated parking spot with your own vehicle, then there's not a hell of a lot you can do other than try to keep your cool and patiently wait for that highly sought after spot to open up. There is, however, common parking lot courtesy that should be noted, respected and followed by all drivers to ensure a pleasant parking experience for all.

The first issue in the unwritten parking lot code up for discussion is spot saving. There is only one way to respectfully mark a spot. If you see a vehicle backing out of a space in the same row in which you are driving down, it is within your rights to allow this driver room to get out while you sit and wait with a blinker on, thus indicating that you will takeover the spot upon the current occupant's departure. In order to respect the code, if you happen to see a driver claiming a spot in this manner, please accept the fact that you were too slow and move on. Now that you have the knowledge needed to successfully and respectfully mark a spot, it is important to also be aware of disrespectful ways to claim a space.

The most disrespectful way to hold a space in a crowded parking lot is to convince a passenger to exit your vehicle and stand in a vacant spot while you work your way over with the car from a few rows away. This is not only cheating, but is also a major threat to the safety of the passenger who is now currently without the protection of the inside of a five star crash safety rated vehicle. It shouldn't take a genius to understand that putting a 150 pound person up against a two ton automobile will never turn out well for the person. Of course, most drivers may just stare aggressively or greet the daring passenger with profane insults, but depending on how long the driver has been searching for a space and the severity of the driver's road rage, there really is no guarantee that such driver won't just run down your passenger sans remorse.

The second part of the unwritten code of parking lot ethics should really be common sense, but for some reason is not. The golden rule: ONE SPOT PER VEHICLE always applies. I don't care how big or how cool you think your ride is, you only get one spot. If you're worried about dings and scratches then maybe you should leave your cool car at home. Taking up two spots, however, only puts a bulls-eye on your sweet set of wheels. Consider the following picture of a very cool and expensive Italian sports car:

Typically I would stare at these types of cars with envy and get lost daydreaming of actually being able to own or at least drive one someday. Unfortunately, however, when I see one parked like this I can only think of slashing tires or accidentally walking too close to the side of it with more than a few keys hanging clumsily outside my pocket. Just because you drive a car with a price tag carrying six figures doesn't give you the right to park disrespectfully. It really says nothing nice about you, and seriously, who uses a Ferrari to carpool?

For another example please consider this photo:

It should really come as no surprise that Hummers are not compact vehicles. So, if you happen to drive a large vehicle please do not take up spaces meant for little cars. Again, this situation says nothing nice about the driver. The conclusion I draw is simple. The driver is nothing more than a bully. He probably spent his childhood days picking on kids through grade school, spent all of middle school in detention scraping gum off the underside of desks and dropped out of high school only to get a GED at the age of 21. I'm sure by now the driver works some dead end job making little more than minimum wage and lives in a rundown apartment because of the stupid decision made to spend all  money earned on this H2. Currently mad at the world, this driver seems to have returned to his grade school days as a bully by picking on smaller targets, such as the drivers of two compact cars originally meant for the two spaces occupied by his "tough guy" ride. 

Being a respectful driver in the parking lot has the potential to make days smoother for everybody. Nevertheless, if your patience still wears thin while looking for an open space on busy days please consider stress free alternatives, such as walking, riding a bus or taking a bike whenever possible. If you decide to drive, however, please follow the preceding code so you don't end up with unwanted gifts on your vehicle such as this unfriendly notice:

In other words, always park within the lines so you never have to read between them!

P.S. If you feel the need to print out notices and leave on the vehicles of jerks who forgot how to park, feel free to check out this site: http://www.youparklikeanasshole.com/

Thanks for reading!