Confession: Too Many People Talk, like, Dumb

After an inexcusably long hiatus, and the creation of my unbelievably noteworthy second blog, I have decided to bring you more Confessions. My most recent post (launched in May, so really not that recent) has received two new comments within the past two weeks (thanks Jason and A Beer for the Shower), encouraging me to unleash more sarcastic commentary about the little things in life that really have no place in mine. I did, of course, have to slightly alter the name of this blog because I've recently become an ex-college student. This small change does not, however, make me immune to disgruntling situations, and gives me no valid reason to cease posts. Now, on to the confession...

I enjoy listening to people, for the most part, and would like to think I'm good at it. Unfortunately, I can't easily demonstrate my remarkable listening skills to you at this time, so you'll just have to take my word for it because you won't be able to prove otherwise unless you know me. If you do know me and want to prove otherwise, I think it's time we have a talk. I'll listen. I promise.

There are a few elements of people's speech that make it incredibly difficult for me to listen attentively. One of these elements is accents, but I'll let that one go because people should never be judge based on uncontrollable characteristics. If you have a deep accent, don't fret. I may have to say, "what?" or "huh?" a couple times, but I'll get the gist of what you're saying and gladly continue listening. Oh, and for the record, not everybody can have an accent. There has to be some type of accent control group to which all other accents are compared. I claim my place of origin to be that control group, thus I do not speak with any type of accent (in my mind anyway). If you want to use your place of origin as the accent control group, and tell yourself you don't have an accent then, by all means, go for it.

The controllable part of human speech that does impair my ability to listen with all ears is the overuse of filler words because, oh my god, like, so many people use, like, um, so many, like, all the time! Articulate your thoughts in a clear and flowing manner people! Consider the following conversation polluted with more filler words than ever necessary, and the random and irrelevant thoughts that ensue.

Boy: "Hey. How are you?"


Girl: "Oh, hi. Um, well, I'm like, you know..."

No, I don't know! If I knew I wouldn't have asked you in the first place. I suppose I can take a few guesses though since you're grossly overestimating my telekinetic powers...

Did you recently move into an upside down house, but can't figure out how the hell to accessorize the interior?

No? Then are you going to violently transform into a miniature frog forced to spend summer evenings crawling up and down the wall of my house if I don't kiss you before midnight?

I'm no prince, and I'm pretty sure that's not how the fairy tale goes, but I guess I could give it a shot...

Girl: "...I'm fine. Um, I've been busy like working and stuff."

Like working? What have you been doing that's like working? Is this guy pointing or like pointing?

It really looks like he's pointing, but, since nobody knows what the hell he's pointing at, is he like pointing? Are you really working, but, since you have no idea what you're doing at your job, you tell people you're like working? Are you still talking, or is it my turn to respond?

Boy: "Yeah, working sucks. Have you been enjoying your time outside of work, at least?"


Girl: "Um, yeah, like the other day my girlfriends and I went out and, like, oh my god, like it was super fun."


Boy: (mentally checking out, as if he hasn't already) "Nice. What did you all do?"


Girl: "Um, we do, like, lots of stuff, but, like, I have to go. We should, um, hang out soon and, like, catch up again, you know?"

 Oh, dear...

I'd love to if I didn't just learn that you have the torturous tongue of a 16-year-old valley girl. Are my ears bleeding?

Boy: "Yeah, sure. I'll call you."

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that no phone call is going to result from this conversation. Each meaningless and indiscriminate thought has taken his mind so far from reality, that he has no clue how he just ended his teeny-bopper talk. Does this state of oblivion give him the right to lie? No, but it happens, unfortunately.

Of course, this works the other way too. Guys, it's hard enough to keep girls interested without digging yourself into a deep, deep hole...

...because she can't stand to hear anymore likes and ums and stuff. Unless you have the sex appeal of a Greek god, or the magical force of a Jedi knight, you'd be doing yourself a great service if you speak coherently and thoughtfully in her presence. Always.

I'm from the West Coast, so I'll admit that I use a few more "likes" in my casual speech than I'd like. A few here and there don't bother me, but we should all work very hard to prevent filler words from becoming dominant words, and overtaking our dialects like flies overtaking the scrumptious food of our ending-too-soon-summer gatherings. We'd all be better off with fewer of each (and longer summers, too).

Confession: Grocery Store Aisles are to Roads as...

Feel free to finish this analogy however your creative mind desires, but the point is simple driving principles go a long way in the grocery store when oodles of hungry people are scouring the aisles for any and all ways to satisfy their cravings. The following is a highlight of the most important principles that should always be honored while shopping. Enjoy.

Do you drive on the left side of the road? Unless it’s a one way street or you have a death wish, I’m going to hope the answer is no. Since grocery aisles allow traffic in both directions and chances are you’re not there to commit suicide, you shouldn’t consistently travel down the left side of the aisle either. Doing so increases the chances of shopping cart traffic jams by disrupting the flow of oncoming shoppers while enhancing the potential for aisle anger (the grocery store equivalent to road rage). And let me tell you, aisle anger is dangerous. Road rage usually just results in an extended appendage and a couple of horn honks, but the most serious aisle anger could easily result in cart ramming, egg chucking and fish slaps (in which an angry shopper retaliates by slapping you in the face with the broad side of a fresh whole fish). Below is a supermarket jam with a high potential for angry shoppers.

The second principle is simple: Avoid distractions. Texting while driving is illegal because it distracts you from the road. Kissing while shopping should be frowned upon because it distracts you from your grocery list.

Consider the two love birds pictured above. Not only are their carts now blocking the aisle for other shoppers, but they are uncovering memories of the love lives of all those around them. Some may become distracted from the overwhelming warmth and joy of such memories while others become utterly depressed and lose all motivation to buy food. Either way, love is bad for the grocery store ecosystem so buy your soup and keep it in your pants until you can get a room!

And finally, some words of wisdom to help you further respect all shoppers…

Horseback riding is for the great outdoors, not for reaching grocery items on the top shelf that you can’t otherwise get to.

Imagine the clean-up on aisle 5 should the stallion so choose to unload.

We’ve all seen people pull off the highway to relieve their bladders, but this…

...is just gross!

Following these basic grocery aisle principles will help all shoppers experience a smoother trip as they trek to fill their pantries and satisfy their stomachs!

Confession: The Unwritten Code of Parking Lot Ethics Should be Followed by All

There's nothing more frustrating than running errands in the middle of the day and spending more time searching for a parking space than actually searching for whatever it is you may need inside your destination. Obviously, if all spots are taken and you don't possess the superhuman strength to simply lift a small compact car, chuck it into oblivion and fill the newly vacated parking spot with your own vehicle, then there's not a hell of a lot you can do other than try to keep your cool and patiently wait for that highly sought after spot to open up. There is, however, common parking lot courtesy that should be noted, respected and followed by all drivers to ensure a pleasant parking experience for all.

The first issue in the unwritten parking lot code up for discussion is spot saving. There is only one way to respectfully mark a spot. If you see a vehicle backing out of a space in the same row in which you are driving down, it is within your rights to allow this driver room to get out while you sit and wait with a blinker on, thus indicating that you will takeover the spot upon the current occupant's departure. In order to respect the code, if you happen to see a driver claiming a spot in this manner, please accept the fact that you were too slow and move on. Now that you have the knowledge needed to successfully and respectfully mark a spot, it is important to also be aware of disrespectful ways to claim a space.

The most disrespectful way to hold a space in a crowded parking lot is to convince a passenger to exit your vehicle and stand in a vacant spot while you work your way over with the car from a few rows away. This is not only cheating, but is also a major threat to the safety of the passenger who is now currently without the protection of the inside of a five star crash safety rated vehicle. It shouldn't take a genius to understand that putting a 150 pound person up against a two ton automobile will never turn out well for the person. Of course, most drivers may just stare aggressively or greet the daring passenger with profane insults, but depending on how long the driver has been searching for a space and the severity of the driver's road rage, there really is no guarantee that such driver won't just run down your passenger sans remorse.

The second part of the unwritten code of parking lot ethics should really be common sense, but for some reason is not. The golden rule: ONE SPOT PER VEHICLE always applies. I don't care how big or how cool you think your ride is, you only get one spot. If you're worried about dings and scratches then maybe you should leave your cool car at home. Taking up two spots, however, only puts a bulls-eye on your sweet set of wheels. Consider the following picture of a very cool and expensive Italian sports car:

Typically I would stare at these types of cars with envy and get lost daydreaming of actually being able to own or at least drive one someday. Unfortunately, however, when I see one parked like this I can only think of slashing tires or accidentally walking too close to the side of it with more than a few keys hanging clumsily outside my pocket. Just because you drive a car with a price tag carrying six figures doesn't give you the right to park disrespectfully. It really says nothing nice about you, and seriously, who uses a Ferrari to carpool?

For another example please consider this photo:

It should really come as no surprise that Hummers are not compact vehicles. So, if you happen to drive a large vehicle please do not take up spaces meant for little cars. Again, this situation says nothing nice about the driver. The conclusion I draw is simple. The driver is nothing more than a bully. He probably spent his childhood days picking on kids through grade school, spent all of middle school in detention scraping gum off the underside of desks and dropped out of high school only to get a GED at the age of 21. I'm sure by now the driver works some dead end job making little more than minimum wage and lives in a rundown apartment because of the stupid decision made to spend all  money earned on this H2. Currently mad at the world, this driver seems to have returned to his grade school days as a bully by picking on smaller targets, such as the drivers of two compact cars originally meant for the two spaces occupied by his "tough guy" ride. 

Being a respectful driver in the parking lot has the potential to make days smoother for everybody. Nevertheless, if your patience still wears thin while looking for an open space on busy days please consider stress free alternatives, such as walking, riding a bus or taking a bike whenever possible. If you decide to drive, however, please follow the preceding code so you don't end up with unwanted gifts on your vehicle such as this unfriendly notice:

In other words, always park within the lines so you never have to read between them!

P.S. If you feel the need to print out notices and leave on the vehicles of jerks who forgot how to park, feel free to check out this site: http://www.youparklikeanasshole.com/

Thanks for reading!

Confession: There Really is Such a Thing as a Stupid Question

Questions are meant to feed one's curiosity, and the best questions educate both the questioning individual and any bystanders lucky enough to be in the proximity of such a potentially enlightening environment. With that in mind, it is paramount to remember that a great question takes great thinking and usually requires pre-question thought and formulation. A lot of knowledge can be gained through the use of questions, but the old cliche, "there's no such thing as a stupid question," doesn't always apply.

The first examples of stupid questions stem from one's own state of oblivion. These types of questions are quite prevalent in lecture halls filled with exhausted students who are busy texting with their fancy smart phones, listening to one of a million illegally downloaded songs in their iTunes library, or simply trying to recover from their induction into the All-Nighter fraternity by sleeping in a number uncomfortable ways. When people haven't been paying attention, they tend to ask two types of stupid questions: The first is the Repeater, in which the question is a carbon copy of a great question that has already been asked and answered. The second is the Billboard, named as such (and pictured below) because the answer to a billboard question is either immediately on display, or had been on display recently.

Extreme Billboard Question

Both of these questions waste the valuable time of everybody within earshot and make the person who asked one of them look incredibly dumb and really says, "I haven't heard a word you've said since I've been here, but I was wondering if I could stop the flow of your discussion and have you repeat a few things that everybody else has already heard." One of the best ways I've witnessed a professor respond to such a dim-witted question was to retort with a reminder, "Now remember, there's no such thing as a stupid question," (after everybody in the room had already snickered at the query) and simply point to the question's answer that had been vividly on display for about twenty minutes. What the professor really meant to say was, "Hey dumbass, glad you could join us. Thank-you for wasting my time, and by the way, here's the answer to your question. Please, go back to sleep now so I can finish teaching the rest of the class without unnecessary disturbances." The best way to avoid these questions is simple...pay attention! If you haven't been paying attention, then I strongly urge you to quietly ask those around you for any clarification before you decide to put your ignorance on public display. If you do ask one, however, you will be vulnerable (and rightfully so) to snappy answers as depicted below.

Stupid Questions: Subject to Snappy Answers

The second form of a stupid question spawns from one's need for attention, and is asked despite the fact that the person who asked already knows the answer. It's one thing to ask the question and have a eureka moment during the reply, but never ask a question with the answer in mind. Consider the following situation in which a student is asking a professor about whether or not a certain computer program, ProE, is available to install on personal computers.

Student: "Do you know where we can get a copy of ProE for our personal computers?"
Professor: "I'm not sure. It may be on sale in the book store or obtainable online."
Student: "Well, you can order it online..."

Seriously?!?! I have no idea why this question was asked since the student made it very clear that the answer was already known! Obviously, the student knew the program could be purchased online, which suggests that the only reason for the question must have been to draw the audience's attention with hopes that they believe that answering one's own question proves the existence of some genius mind. Sorry, dude. What it really says is, "Attention, I'm very conceited and, while I want you to think I have an important question, I'm really just wasting your time, for I shall reveal the answer to you because I'm smart like that." No, you're not smart, just another unfortunate citizen asking stupid questions. Avoiding such questions, however, is simple. Do not ask a question and state the answer yourself. If you want to make a statement then make a statement, otherwise hold your tongue because stupid questions can have serious consequences.

Tremendous Consequence

Hopefully, you are now better equipped with the knowhow to avoid asking stupid questions. Please remember, however, I haven't been trying to deter you from asking questions completely. Learning and asking questions typically go hand in hand, but it is always a good idea to think before you ask and formulate intellectual questions. Unlike stupid questions, an intellectual question can make you and people around you smarter.

P.S. If you are still unwilling to accept the existence of stupid questions, then this explanation is equally acceptable...

Confession: Backpacks on Wheels are Never a Good Deal

A book bag of some sort is a must for the typical student. Whether it's the classic backpack, a messenger bag, or an over-sized purse we all need a way to keep our notebooks, writing tools, homework assignments and other miscellaneous items close to us throughout the school day. At times, all of this stuff can become mighty heavy, so why not keep all of your academic materials close, safe and secure by stowing it in a nice, hefty backpack on wheels? Oh, I can think of a few reasons. Please, join me as I explain to you my reasons why backpacks on wheels are never a good deal.

For my visual followers out there, the backpacks I am referring to generally look like these:

Typical Culprits

You may argue that there's nothing wrong with the bags pictured, and I'd say you're right, but the looks of the actual bags are not of my concern. The appearance of the rolling backpack will generally remain constant (depending only on natural wear and tear) throughout its life. However, the problem is that your appearance will suffer major consequences! Even with the coolest looking wheeled backpack on the planet, you'd still be widely known as "that person with the rolly backpack."

Consider the following image of an actual rolling backpack still in use today:

Notice the Reinforcement

That is one rugged looking backpack! It appears very durable and has even been modified to include bigger wheels and a much more stable base. This thing could undoubtedly handle the most craggy of classroom floors. Sure, it's not equipped to handle any off road conditions (doing so would require additional wheel upgrades and an increase in ground clearance), but any other solid surface should be no problem. A lot of positive attributes of the bag can be noted through observation, but what about the person using it? Well, the person appears to be carrying a lot more stuff around with him/her than necessary. The person also appears to be a potentially large obstacle in crowded hallways since the giant reinforced bag takes up so much space. Hauling around backpacks on wheels just hinders the flow of foot traffic in the same way trucks and trailers corrupt the flow of vehicular traffic on highways. Both the truck and the person inevitably move slower with their respective trailers and increase the effects of road rage. I understand it's necessary to haul trailers on the road, but there's no need to haul a trailer when walking around a school. It just gets in the way of other students and creates unnecessary hallway rage. Therefore, while the rolling backpack may look durable and functional, it makes the person using it look like an unnecessary road block, which is an appearance nobody should try to emulate.

My second problem with rolling backpacks is that they are non-invertible. By this I mean that one may not continue to roll it if the bag tips over and somehow ends up upside down. This should also be a huge problem for people who use them (bless their souls) because the sight of rolly backpacks can often instill the urge in many to kick it over when in range. If this were to happen, the result would be similar to that of an inverted turtle. Once a turtle is upside down, it is instantly immobilized as viewed below.

Poor, inverted turtle.

Anybody using a backpack on wheels that happens to flip would find themselves in a similarly inconvenient state. Sure, the bag may not be completely useless, as you could drag the thing along upside, but doing so risks structural damage to the bag. Instead, the person must stop in their tracks, turn around and manually get their bag back on track. Time is hard enough to come by in the life of a student, so why risk losing precious seconds tending to a helpless pack that is most likely already denting your appearance?

My final rolling backpack grievance involves its potential to impart bodily harm to its user. When using a backpack on wheels, one generally pulls the thing behind them with their dominate arm, which creates axial stress along the length of the arm. Stress is directly proportional to the force being applied, which in this case is the weight of the bag, so the heavier the load, the more stress induced on the arm. Sure, the arm can handle occasional stresses, but it will begin to fatigue as stress is induced more consistently. If one were to tow a heavy backpack around with their dominate arm on a daily basis, they would run the risk of developing a deformation in which their dominate arm becomes noticeably longer than their opposite arm. For an example of an extreme case of this described deformation, please glance below.

Lucky the Long-Armed Leprechaun

Legend has it that Lucky developed his extreme arm deformation by towing home giant kegs of Guinness draft from his local Irish pub. Unable to cart his beer home with him, Lucky is now forced to drink from the frosty mugs at the bar rather than in the comfort of his own home. Imagine being stuck on a school campus, rather than getting work done from the comfort of your home because a condition developed after using a rolling backpack for too long made you incapable of transporting your school materials to and from home. I'm sure this can't possibly sound appealing and should convince you (if my first two reasons weren't enough) that backpacks on wheels are never a good deal.

Confession: Gym Rats are the Worst of the Rodents

Of all the rodents one can encounter in a lifetime, I believe gym rats are the worst by far. This is due largely to the fact that you cannot easily dispose of a gym rat as you can your typical pest. It is not very plausible to set traps or call an exterminator, and once they make their presence known, there's no ignoring them.

Nobody should ever strive to be a gym rat. So, in an effort to save all of you from the humiliation that typically comes with the gym rat stereotype, I've compiled a list of traits that you should avoid at all costs. No need to worry if you find any of the following may be a reflection of you gym habits because I've offered suggestions on how to easily change and become a much more considerate gym member.

1. If you smell like a wretched combination of rotten eggs and pencil shavings, you might be a gym rat.

Personal hygiene is important no matter where you are so I'm not sure why people think the gym is an exception. I understand it is a safe haven to push your limits and sweat it out, so I don't expect anybody to smell like roses, but make an effort to mask you stink. Always apply a liberal amount of deodorant and do not wear the same sweaty, toxic clothes that you've been storing in your gym bag all week. It's just gross. Also, this should go without saying, but brush your teeth! Nothing is worse than helping out a stranger at the gym by giving them a spot just to be thanked with plumes of dog breath to the face every time they exhale.

2. If your grunting drowns out the sound of any background music or conversations, you might be a gym rat.

Exhaling is a must, especially during heavy lifting, and I get this. However, there's a fine line between necessary exhaling and obnoxious, "Look at me, I can lift big weights, yea!" grunting. If a little sound comes out, that's fine, but it usually doesn't need to be more than a whisper and never more than that inside voice we all learned to utilize as children. Grunting loud enough to cause seismic shifts in the earth's core does nothing to impress the rest of us at the gym. It does help us all point out the biggest douche though.

 
3. If you behave like a dog and mark your territory by leaving behind moisture deposits, you might be a gym rat.

If I wanted to swim, I would've gone to the pool! The last thing I want to do is mop up your salty body juices every time I change benches or machines. Bring a towel all of the time and, at the very least, wipe down the equipment after you use it. Want some bonus points? Use antibacterial cleaner or wipes that most clubs are equipping their gyms with now, as I really have no interest in your germs either.

4. If re-racking your weights is not part of your routine, you might be a gym rat.

Congrats man, you can bench 700 pounds! Sadly, I can't and should not have to spend ample time and effort taking the weights you used off. I am not your mother and chances are you are not five years old. Pick up after yourself at the gym. If you have the time and strength to load up the weight and complete your sets, then you damn sure better have the time to put the weight back. 

Those are the four biggest gym no-no's I can think of at this time. They seem to be most prevalent within college gyms. The few public gyms I've been to don't suffer from the gym rat infestation as severely. Why college kids seem to be less considerate, I have no idea, but it sure doesn't say much for my generation. Nevertheless, we can all strive to be more considerate and do our part to make the gym experience for others more enjoyable.

Agree? Disagree? I want to hear it! Comment your thoughts and opinions.
Did I miss something? Add to my list of gym rat traits.  

Confession: I've Acquired too much All-Nighter Experience

For my first post, I thought I would go easy on the raw confessions and call upon my experience to offer a brief guide on how to successfully execute an all-nighter. I will start by discussing the second definition of "all-nighter" as described by dictionary.com.

all-night·er[awl-nahy-ter]

–noun Informal .

2 an act of staying up all night, as to study or finish a task

This definition seems simple enough, but there's a few hidden requirements that must be considered before an all-nighter certification can be awarded. First, it must be pointed out that any attempt to receive all-nighter certification is invalid if the subject in question has slept through the majority of the day. Doing so negates much of the effects of an all-nighter because energy tanks would be much more full than if starting an all-nighter after a long day on low energy reserves. The second requirement that must be met in order to be worthy of certification is that you must see the sunrise. No all-nighter certification will be considered if the candidate has not been awake for both the sunset and the sunrise in the same cycle. This should be obvious because, if you fall asleep before the sunrises, then technically it's still nighttime, so you'd have to settle with the shameful, "I almost pulled an all-nighter." The requirements are taken very seriously and failure to meet either of the two will directly result in automatic certification request termination. No exceptions!   

Fortunately, this brief step-by-step guide should help even the most inexperienced fellows successfully tackle their first, or hundredth epic all night study/homework session.  

Step 1: Procrastination 
I believe it is reasonable for me to assume that if you are not a chronic procrastinator then you haven't had a reason to stay up all night long to finish work that is due the following day. While this may prove to be a much less stressful habit, it is really you're biggest road block to joining the elite club that is the All-Nighters! The key to initiating any all-nighter is really focusing on your procrastination before hand. You need to have enough work ahead of you to keep you occupied for all hours of the night. Balance is key, however. Never procrastinate so much that you can't finish all necessary work. 


Step 2: Crew Notification
Once you've realized that your procrastination has put you in the perfect position to go for an all-nighter, call up any friends (your crew) who may be in a similar situation and organize a study party. If you think these friends are needed just to help you with your work load, you're partially wrong. It is much easier to work in groups and bounce ideas around to make more progress, but having friends around also increases your vulnerability to distractions, thus elongating the amount of time you and your crew will be working. Play your cards right and you and your crew are well on your way to cruising straight through the night to that first sign of daylight. 


Step 3: Fuel Specifications
Like any motor, your body and mind will need fuel to make it through an entire night of studying. It may be wise to set a goal. For instance if you start working at 8:00 and the nearest Golden Spoon closes at 10:30 collaborate with your crew and decide that it would be best to get as much work done between 8:00 and say 10:00. Why 10:00 you ask if Golden Spoon doesn't close until 10:30 and procrastination has been a prevalent theme throughout this guide? Simple. You need to leave early enough to comfortably make it to the frozen yogurt haven with ample time to sample a couple flavors and make wise yogurt choices because this is going to be one of the sweetest moments of the entire night. Also, this nice sugar spike should keep you going for a couple more hours as you continue on your night long journey. Inevitably, you will start to feel a crash shortly after the clock strikes midnight. This is normal and can usually be combated with a trusty sidekick like caffeine. Any form of caffeine will do you just fine. Coffee and tea are the most natural choices and definitely pose the least amount of health risks. For those of you who regularly drink coffee and tea, it may be necessary to up the ante and consider an ice cold energy drink. With many different varieties, it may take a while to find your go to can of this magical brain enhancement, but feel free to experiment until you find the one that's right for you. This dose of caffeine should pick you up for a while and help get you back on track. If you start to feel another crash coming on with a few hours of darkness left, it may be time to eat something solid. It doesn't have to be a big meal, but round up your crew and migrate to the nearest 24-hour food retailer and enjoy a quick snack. After the snack the finish line will be in sight and you should feel a little jolt of energy. This jolt should be all you need to reboot your system and continue on your way as you near the light at the end of the tunnel.  


Overwhelming success of the preceding three-step process has been documented through extensive scientific evidence (ok,  personal experience) and greatly increases anybody's chance of making it through an all night study session. I encourage all of you to reference this guide and challenge yourself and your friends to work from dusk til dawn and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that doing so is your ticket to the elite group of bad asses that are the All-Nighters. 


P.S. If you are reading this during an all-nighter attempt, I commend you! Dig deep and keep going! You'll see the light soon enough! And when you do, let me be the first to say congratulations!